Aftermath
by mushimio92
Summary: Riza was burdened with a hard truth; so much that guilt may have consumed her.   The return from Ishval, a side of her that only Roy knew.
1. Return

A desired return with a heavy heart

Pain and sufferings embedded deep

Peace sought for the turmoil souls

Fault to blame no one but on me.

0o0o0o0o0o

I felt a shake on my left shoulder and the gruff voice next to me pulled me back from my thoughts.

"Hawkeye, we are here." I turned my head slowly and faced the source of that voice; it was not tiredness that caused my slowed reaction, in fact to describe it properly, it was as though I had left a part of myself on the battle field and the rest was puppet like, puppet indeed – it was as though someone had been pulling the strings and I had no choice but to obey.

"Yes." I heard myself answer to the voice, the truck halted and almost immediately; others, the soldiers who had their fight in the war began to move towards the exit; it was dark and musty but there was movement and voices that were filled with excitement all around, for a good reason; after such a long time they had finally returned to Amestris and was able to go home to their loved ones. But for me, there was no one waiting, it was just me and only me. The last of the footsteps left the vehicle; when I felt a hand squeezing gently on my arm.

"Come on, lets go too" the person who spoke stood up, there was someone outside shouting irritably; probably the driver wanting the last two of his passengers to get out. I pulled my weapon close and found a pocket on the walls to hold on too, my right arm ached horribly as I strained to stand up; was it because of tiredness that held me back or was it something else? The person shifted to the left, I was about to try a second time when I a palm was held out in front of me; for me. I stared; "The driver will get into a fit if we don't leave now", my eyes traced his hands to his face, even by the dimness of the light shinning in, I could tell that between his grimaces there was slight amusement decorating them. "I thought you didn't like the driver." I took his hand; and was pulled up to a standing position easily though my legs felt as if they were new to it; I sighed while he sniggered, "I don't, that is why I do not mind taking my time here." I heard the engine die down and the truck stopped trembling under our feet, the slam from the front meant that the driver was not going to wait any longer. And sure enough, the shouting's ended.

I bent over and retrieved my coat from where I had sat before; the weapon that was with me; returned to its casing. It was then when I felt something sticky; even though it was dark I could tell what it was, the pungent smell was strong enough and it was a reminder where I had obtained it from, without wanting too; I had a hand over my mouth. I did not meant it, but my limbs grew weak even weaker from before. Inside my mind were many images flying by, I was on a tower when I was ambushed by the enemy; a young enemy, I did it out of self defense. I did not mean to…The cloth fell to the floor uncaringly.

"Hawkeye, is something wrong?" His hand was on my shoulder, I could tell he was worried. I blinked profusely, my eyes were burning and I could not stop them. I straightened myself but I could not bear to turn around, "No, there is nothing." But it was definitely a lie, I could remember it so well; the expression on the Ishavalan's face as she sneaked up on me _I hate each and every one of you, return my children to me! _ The knife she was carrying lurched forward; she was crying and there were so much tears flowing. Moments later, there was the same amount of blood as tears; the rifle fell by my side and so did she. That night I could not stop shivering, the droplets of blood that stained the casing; stained my soul as well.

I slung the rifle over my shoulder

"Major Mustang Lets go." I turned around and saw him standing right behind me, a hand out stretched. His mouth too was slightly open, as though he was about to say something, and I had an idea what he wanted to say. "I am alright, please don't worry." I said softly; in order to reassure him I gave a small smile. His arms fell to his sides and his mouth too closed; his eyes though were filled with concern. I looked away and walked towards the exit, he followed suit.

We climbed down from the truck, and were greeted with a wide open space. Indeed the driver had gone everything was silent and quiet; I walked a couple steps away from him, and glance around. The other alchemist must have gone to the Mass Hall for the celebratory dinner; there was no one in the hanger but us. "You should go to the celebration." I said emptily, feeling very strange and sounding extremely distant. I heard him walk away; his footsteps were getting softer and softer. Mr Mustang have better things to care about, he was a war hero and we are very different from whom we were a long time ago but even so I can't stop the tightness of my chest nor the piercing cold torturing my body; I am alone in the end…

"Miss Hawkeye" he called me, and I turned around surprised that he was standing next to me, and even more when he held out my coat for me. "Lets go and have some dinner." I guess the shock was written all over my face; he grinned and nodded gently. I stared; tempted though to follow his suggestion, before realizing an important fact.

"It is for alchemist only…I am not allowed to attend." I reminded him, it was as if he had forgotten about the difference between normal soldiers and War heroes. Alchemist meant more to the country compared to ordinary fighters; they were assets to the military and the rest of us represent nothing more than meat shied. I shook my head and received my coat from him, "I can have dinner somewhere else, go quickly before they start without you."

He frowned but cleared up soon after, "Then, how about having a meal in town?" My eyes met his and I raised an eye brow; "What do you mean?" I received my coat from his hands and folded it into a two; my arms snuggled in between the folds. The Major cocked his head to one side and grinned; "Exactly what I meant." He pointed to the exit right behind me.

It could have been more to describe that night, however it wasn't to be. I refused the kind intention of the Major and insisted that he should attend the dinner instead; I remember watching him leave to the main lobby; defeated from our minor disagreement, and I walked out alone in the opposite direction. I was greeted with the night sky of central city, there were stars that night and it was clear, not a single cloud around blocking the magnificent view. I had forgotten how beautiful and peaceful the sky was; it had been a long while ever since the emergency deployment to the battlefield, and I never thought I would make it back alive…alive, I should have died, those whose life's I had ended, they would never forget who had sent them to death. And I would never forget them either, it was my retribution.


	2. Weight

"Hey, you aren't eating."

It was the slight sensation of warmness that touched my skin which woke me from my day dream. I looked down and noticed the cup of tea I left nudging the side of my arm. I followed the fingers which were on the rim to the source; he was wearing a coat that day, the black one I had seen before on the day of his funeral.

"Major, I really do appreciate this." I said peering around the table which was filled with food that I was sure I wasn't able to finish today and probably tomorrow. The sun was not even up yet and here we were, sitting at my dining table having breakfast.

I watched as he took two square packets of sugar from the paper bag next to the other plastic bag lying around the stacks of unwrapped pancakes and opened them. The other fingers that were on the rim returned to his sides, I looked at him and he smiled gently.

"No appetite?" he asked, taking back the cup of tea towards him and pulled the sandwich away from my view. It had turned cold, I had left it between my palm and it stayed Uneaten for 20minutes. I resisted a little before letting the wrapper go, "No point holding on to it, if you are not hungry." He dropped the sandwich into his own bag, "I will have it for lunch later then." I returned my gaze to the food and back at the Major, he had came here just to make sure that I had breakfast but I had to turn him down. It was not that the food was not tempting; it was in many ways hunger inducing, however there were too many things on my mind to consume anything right now.

"I apologize, Sir." I replied dryly and stood up, a tinkle of the spoon made me look in his direction again. He was not looking at me, but the packets of sugar that lay beside his cup made me walk to his side. "Sir that is way too much sugar; you can't drink that!" the hands were over his which was on the handle of the cup, he glanced at me and I shot warning glares back. He placed the drink back onto his plate slowly, and with the other hand removed mine away. " I paused before retrieving my gaze from his eyes, "Sorry…"

I understand him well, even back in Ishval and to a time much longer than that, that he had a tendency for sweets when he was upset, I was not apologizing for our skin touching but for letting him feel sadness and the reasons for those emotions were very clear. I turned my back away from him and looked around at the apartment I was living in. It had been four days since I had returned from Ishval, but I had not stepped out of the door as long as the days. The Major too had been calling regularly at 7am and 7pm, but I refused to agree in meeting up with him. It feels as though I was trying to hide and he was worried. That was the first thing he said at the door that morning as well, but I don't know how to reply his concerns. And now, I refused to eat, the seven packets of sugar lying there was intensifying enough.

"Yes, what was I thinking…"

"Major?"

He took the cup from its plate and walked to the basin; he poured the tea away and washed his hands. "I remember you once whacking my head with a book just for munching on too much brown sugar after Kimblee pissed me off. "

He turned around and grinned, "Thought I should not try that again."

I kept my gaze around his shoulders "I am sorry, sir."

"What for?" the water drained away and the faucet squeezed dry, the sun was somewhat up and was shinning cool morning light into the room. I had not moved from where I had stood and kept my gaze on the Major.

"For letting you worry about me…"

Before I knew it, he was right in front of me. I had to peer up a little to reach his eyes; the Major gave a low whistle and gave a small smile. "It would be better to tell me why you are avoiding me."

He had his arms around me, and I was being embraced. But I had no idea, why I felt so distraught the moment that he did, I felt as though I was sick. It was nauseating; it was the totally wrong feeling to be experiencing at such a close contact time. I had to get away from him, every single bone in my body was shaking and I had no idea why. The Major was a nice person, I know him since we were 13 back at my father's house, but why was I having different thoughts now.

I was staring into the darkness of his chest, it felt enclosed and I was…afraid… I wanted out now, but I could not resist. And images flew to my once again, I paused as the memories hit painfully on the head. I was watching the alchemist invading the town of Ishel, it was a very small town. And that was where I saw him, leading a small platoon into the city. A few moments later, there was fire blazing the grounds; the buildings had come apart and there were screaming and shoutings heard from the town itself. Children were crying and I was standing there watching all of it happen. Again and again the fire was cast, burning every single soul to their death. And I knew who it was, burning them, sure enough; he walked out again without a scratch. Soldiers were calling him a war hero, but I do not understand how a person who killed the innocent can be named as a hero. They were all murderers…just plain murderers, and I was also one of them… No…no…I killed them all, there is blood on my hands.

"NO!" I found myself pulled away from the Major and he jumped back in surprise. There was sweat and there were tears; I must have looked deranged to him. But I could not care, my heart was pounding so hard; it felt as though it was about to break through my chest. I could see his expression, the Major was saying something but I could not hear them… I created a monster; I helped him kill those innocent people. I should have died, all those time when I was ambushed; I should have let them get what they wanted. What on earth did I survive for?

The next few minutes was terrible, I did not answer a single question the Major asked, and I showed him the door, out eyes did not meet and I tried my best to keep them far away from each other. The door closed in his face, I was terrified and I was cold to the bone, I created monsters, and I was one of them. Kimblee had once said that I too was enjoying the thrill of shooting people down and he was very right…

"Oh God…I should have died…" I sat behind the door, whispering the same sentence over, so much that the number of times I had repeated could have crushed me. I had no idea why it could make my eyes burn, but it did; for the rest of the day.

Mr Mustang… I am so sorry…


End file.
